Friday, June 30, 2017

The Dark Party, the Missing Partner, and My Unfamiliar Face

The Dark Party, the Missing Partner, and My Unfamiliar Face

I am at a party. At first it is light, then it's very dark & there are no lights except for small candles. It's difficult to see people. I have a partner. He is a dark-skinned man, maybe Hispanic, not African-American, tall, black hair, reasonably attractive, somewhat severe looking, but he seems to like me. We hang out at this party and talk and walk around and listen to music and eat some of the food and just be together and act like we like each other to some extent. This goes on for quite some time and it's relatively pleasant. I am considering whether I want to extend our relationship further.

I use the bathroom or something, so that in some way, I've become separated from my partner and when I return to where he was, he's not there and I spend the whole rest of the dream looking for him. It goes on and on and on. I go around this large party to many rooms and outdoor activities looking for this man, over and over. I ask people again and again where he is; I never find him. I'm looking for him and I'm sad. I wonder about myself, whether I am worthy or unworthy, whether I'm pretty enough or if I'm nice enough. I look in a mirror and remember that I've lost weight and I look pretty in the mirror. My hair is wavy, like I have a permanent and is somewhat long-ish, and curls around my face. My face is thinner than usual and even my nose is thinner. I look significantly younger. I look like myself and somehow like a different person as well. Contemplating my face in the mirror, and how it differs from my current face in my waking life, I wake up.

What does this remind you of?

One of the many books that I'm currently reading is Imperfect Birds, by Anne LaMott. In this book, teenage Rosy and her friends go to a number of parties that are dark and are there wandering around with various new partners and so on in the dark having various experiences. It reminds me of myself, not at their age, they're 17 years old, but at the age when I was doing things like that, which was closer to 19, 20 etc.

I was also reminded of those days when I had a long conversation with the artist, Tim Burke, at Rainy Day yesterday. He told me stories about his own misadventures as a young man, and I told him a few of mine that were similar.

I often worry about getting separated from Keith by either death or one of us finding another partner.

If I were reincarnated as a new person and looked different from what I look like in this life, would I still be me? What would make me be me? Is the me that I am now the same me that I was when I was 19? There is certainly continuity, or the problems from then would not still be haunting me. (Major question, see below) But I am also different in so many ways that I am almost a different person--and yet, I am also the same in many ways. It is strange to consider the continuity, similarities and differences between who I was and who I am (emotionally and personality-wise). Physically, besides being MUCH fatter and older, my nose is larger and wider than it used to be. (Like in the dream.). My parents' noses got bigger as they aged.

Who is the dark man in the dream? He does not look or feel like Keith or any other partner I have had. I do NOT WANT another partner. I am happy with Keith and want to keep him. I wonder why the man is dark. Could he be Death and if so, why would I be looking for him?

Does the darkness during most of the dream represent those things I do not have answers to those answers for which I search? Or does it represent the encroaching darkness of confusion and senility? Am I, like my mother, going to descend into dementia and will Keith then become the dark, lost man, lost to me because of my confusion? The wandering in the darkness would then make sense, (as would the endless asking).

The permanent my hair had in the dream (if that’s what it was) reminds me of the two times I had permanents, once I was no longer a small child and made my own choices;
1.    When I was in junior high, I wore my hair in braids.  When I graduated from eighth grade and was about to enter 9th, I was told by all my friends that I should get rid of the braids and cut and curl my hair. I did.  I got a perm. I hated it and grew it out again. I was 14.
2.    When Bruce was having an affair with Debbie, but was still living with me, I had long hair I sometimes wore in braids.  I thought I wanted to win him back and that he liked Debbie because she was thinner and had curly hair, so I went on a diet and cut my hair and got a perm.  I hated it and grew it back. I was 34.

Major question from above: can I heal from abuse and sexual abuse and move on with my life (and possibly find deep contentment) and if so, how? What steps can I take to heal and improve this aspect of my life? Are there any answers to these questions???????