Friday, December 23, 2005

Graham, the "Coronet" and the Bundle of Thumbs

Graham begs to take another instrument and we finally agree, only after getting him to agree that he will practice the piano first.  We end up buying the other instrument and he must practice every night or no story.  The instrument he has chosen is the coronet.  He hasn't practiced and we've had not story, and it's late.  He goes down to get his coronet and comes into our bedroom in the dark where we are lying in bed to practice.  The coronet looks more like a recorder.  He stands in a shadow in the corner with just a tiny bit of light on him paying his "coronet" recorder.  He is doing this while clasping a bundle of thumbs.  When I see the bundle of thumbs, I am curious and disturbed.  He seems to be collecting them, and has maybe 15 of them tied with twine.  I wake up.


It occurs to me that one obvious interpretation is that Graham is "all thumbs."  The thumbs in the dream were not grisly and were quite matter of fact.  But I'm not sure Graham is "all thumbs," especially about music.  Curious.

It could also be about some child or other part of myself.  I am "all thumbs" when it comes to music.

I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Too Little Too Late

"Lost and Late" or "Too Little Too Late"


Three of us are wandering around a huge underground complex of apartments built off underground passageways.  There are many levels with both stairs and ramps leading to the lower levels, and some of the areas are arranged by interests or political alignment.  We are looking for a woman "Kathy" who used to babysit for Erin and had a daughter in nursery school with Erin.  This was many years ago, and we are all older, but she seems to have not aged much.  When I talk to her on the phone to get the complex directions to her apartment, I can see a hologram of her face hovering in the air before me.  She is pretty, freckled, has red hair and sort of pursed lips like a beauty model.  She sort of glows a little.  I write down the directions, but when I am in the tunnels with my companions, I don't seem to have them and keep thinking I should call on the cell phone and get them again.  WE wander a long time and I don't call but I finally find the right passageway, a ramp leading down into the Democratic area.  We find it OK, sort of psychically, and when we get there, a man comes to talk to us and we sit at the table and he gets out a bunch of papers from his briefcase and he says, "It's so late now we won't be able to get much done."  I am wondering where Kathy is and who this man is and if he's her husband and thinking it's my fault we are late for not calling sooner.  The man is very young and business like with black hair, white skin, glasses, lean.  He looks sort of familiar.  Who he looks like is at the edge of my mind, but apparently ungraspable.  He begins to apprise us of the knowledge we need, but it is so "late" that I wake up.

I have dreamed before of underground passages with apartments, but this one is more posh than one of the others that really resonated for me.  I think there might be systems for importing light and fresh air and views to the outside world.  (?)

The too little too late thing resonates for me, as does the lost and late, both apply to this week with lost packages and delays.

I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

Friday, December 02, 2005

Dream Tree

Dream Tree, photo and photoart by Mary Stebbins (Click on picture to see it larger) Posted by Picasa

The MOST Animals at Home

The MOST animals need to be moved from one place to another, a whole menagerie of them.  Instead of taking them right to the next location, I take them home first.  Then I get busy and forget to take care of them.  I look in a cage and discover some baby mice that are shriveling up and dying of thirst and starvation.  There are a LOT of animals, including some strange and rare ones and I worry they may all be dying because I've forgotten to feed them.  I am very upset.  I want to take them back to the MOST where other people can help care for them, but I am so busy I don't have time.  I am at work at the MOST and Steve is there and some animals are there, but I need to go home and get all the missing ones.  He dismisses me to do that but I have so much to do I can't go.  I feel frantic, worried and guilty.  I feel like a bad person.


I wonder if there is something else in my life I'm neglecting and forgetting.  AK!

I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

The Egg

A hand holds out an egg that was partially wrapped in plastic or netting—the kind used for petticoats.  This is wrapped around the egg in a fashion reminiscent of the pictures of a stork bringing a baby.  They egg is a bright white, larger than a chicken egg, a little more pointy on the end than a chicken egg, and seemed to glow a little.  The netting is a little misty looking, but the egg is sharp and clear, as is the hand holding it.

The feeling is positive and cheerful and good, also a little exciting.

There is a sense of hope and new beginnings.

I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

Sunday, November 27, 2005

In Dreams of Flowers

Dream Roses, photo by Mary Stebbins (click photo to see larger in this and other photos on this blog) Posted by Picasa

Merthiolate Blue

Merthiolate Blue

I want to take a photograph with Merthiolate Blue, a beautiful species of flower. The flowers are shaped like an open 5-pointed star and come in white, pink, and pale blue, but because they are an indicator for the presence of the chemical, merthiolate blue, when that chemical is added to the soil in the right dilution and proportion, the plants grow thickly and abundantly and the flower turn bright, vivid, saturated blue. The blue is between turquoise and royal blue and very brilliantly saturated. The flowers are so thick and abundant that the leaves become invisible. I think the leaves are lanceolate or spatulate. I have a series of ideas for photos using the flower, merthiolate blue, which include placing a frame picture among them and rephotographing it and placing a valued object in the center of a ring of merthiolate blues. I don’t see what the object it, except that perhaps it is roundish and brownish and shiny as if varnished. I am trying to find the flowers and purchase them and locate a supply of the chemical, merthiolate blue and determine the proper dilution. This is a dream I have that repeats with variations at least three times during the night. At certain points, I seem to be succeeding in my efforts and am happy.

When I google merthiolate, I am reminded that it is a vivid pink, not blue. (Merthiolate (hot pink)) In the dream, it was clearly, vividly blue. Here’s one that mention blue: Merthiolate Memories. Graffiti. Donna breathed a lengthy sigh. ... she noticed the arteries in her hands seemed to be an unusually vivid color of blue. But I don’t think the blue here refers to the merthiolate.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Dreamscape 3

Dreamscape 2, Photoart by Mary Stebbins. In many of my lucid dreams, the sky and the light was greenish and shadows were clearly evident. Posted by Picasa

Monday, November 07, 2005

Autumn at Loretto

Autumn at Loretto, By Mary Stebbins. This is my Mom.

Read about the nightmare of dementia. Posted by Picasa

Friday, October 21, 2005

Dreamscape 2

 Posted by Picasa

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Dream Moth 3 with Swirls

 Posted by Picasa

Deam Moth Revisted

Dream Moth Revisted, by Mary Stebbins. This is an inversion and adjustment of the previous moth picture.
Posted by Picasa

FIVE Dreams!

Hi Bea, I had a very restless night last night. I feel a little sick, sore throat, congestion, just a little unwell. But in the midst of my restlessness, I dozed off and on and I had five dreams about you. I am going to make them fairly brief, just try to get to the heart or core of them.

1)The first dream occurred early in the night. It was an image of you and two girls (your daughters?--they seemed to be your daughters). You were dressed in dark robes with hoods and were kneeling beside a "road" at night, in the dark. It looked like a sort of somber, scary scene, very barren, but it was not. Muriel was there, but very ethereal again, almost invisible. But her voice was very clear and plain, she said, "You used to be one of us!" She seemed to be a druid, or druid-like priestess and implication was that you not only were but still are somehow connected and need to renew your spirituality. (I realize this is hard when you are so busy, but I am reporting the dream as I had it).

2)Unfortunately, I have forgotten the second dream. If I remember it later, I will tell you. This is what I remember: I woke up VERY EXCITED because the dream I had was simple, easy to understand, positive, and seemed helpful. It was a good dream, with hopeful implications. That much I know. But I can't remember the details at all.

3)The next dream I remember (I actually think there may have been more before and after this one) was another simple image. It was a white triparate flower--three petals and three stamens (six that were fused into three) and a triparate (three part) pistil. It was dusk, perhaps, getting dark, and the flower glowed from within. The petals were fused along the edges and formed a nearly perfect circle and I heard Muriel saying, "You and your daughters, the mother, the father, the daughter, the holy trinity." The flower was deeply beautiful and the feeling of the dream was one of peace and serenity and hope. Very positive, cheerful and good.

4)The Homework: You were at a university and you were attempting to do some homework. You were in a very large room full of objects (sort of like an old-time store or museum). There was a class going on, but it was not your class, it was another class, and you were the only student left in the room from the previous class, trying to get your work done. Everything was going wrong with everything you tried to do. The dream went on and on and on and very was very depressing and upsetting. The last class of the evening was ending and the professor was getting ready to lock up the room and then the building, but you had not yet completed your work. Nothing was working right. Then, at the last possible moment, when it looked impossible, everything came together and you completed the work. You had also lost a blue jacket with black trim and on your way out, you found it and put it on. Muriel walked out through the columns and through some tunnel-like opening and down some stairs with you talking to you. She said, "There are some lessons you need to learn from this." She seemed to be referring to the dream, to the "homework," and to your current situation in your life. The dream was long and upsetting, but the ending seemed joyous and positive. Muriel was dressed in white and looked like a bride.

5)Finding your way home: This was another long upsetting dream with many details. It also had a homework assignment that seemed to be related to the previous dream. It was later int he night, but almost seemed like a continuation of the earlier dream, only later in time. You were driving a car, alone. You were trying to get home to Uwe, but everything was going wrong and you kept getting lost. At one point, you found yourself driving the wrong way on a two lane one-way road at night, there were cars coming toward you in both lanes with their headlights on and you kept pulling to the side to let them pass--it was an exit from a seaside park and once you got up to a certain spot, there were two parking areas, one above the road and one below. You went into the one above the road because it was closer, but it was full of cars and you had to drive the wrong way through the parking lot against on-coming cars to find a spot. There weren't any for a long time, then you drove past two accidentally, then there weren't any and you finally found one, parked up against a cliff. You were still on your way home to see Uwe, but you needed to go down to the ocean to do a task related to your homework. You walked down a series of two stairways and crossed through a tunnel the road and come out at the ocean. At the ocean side, Muriel was waiting for you, She looked like a bride again, dressed in lacy white with a tiara and cape. She made you kneel and touch the ocean. Once you had done so, she embraced you and you got in your car and drove home to Uwe, without being lost any more. ( It seems that your "homework" has to do with spirituality and getting in touch with the subconscious--perhaps your own dreams! Perhaps there is something that you know that I don't know that would solve your continuing predicament. Or perhaps what you are experiencing is the vicissitudes of life and Muriel is saying that with a deep spiritual connection, you can find your way through the maze of painful incidents in life. I don't know, but those were the dreams.)

I'm not sure these dreams are helpful, except that they seem to indicate a light coming up at the end of the tunnel. I hope that's true and that soon, you will experience a happy, peaceful, healthy, loving productive part of your life.

Love, Mary XOX

(I also have to realize that every dream for Bea has a message in it for me, too!)

I am certain of nothing but the Heart's affections and the truth of the Imagination- John Keats

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Moth, the transformations of night. Photo by Mary Stebbins Posted by Picasa

Lost and confused, Dreams from 9-10-05

Saturday, September 10, 2005; 07:44
My mother has disappeared. My father is alive and we have looked for her in vain. I am taking a shower in an old bathroom with a claw-foot tub with added curtains when my mother appears, staggering out from behind the shower curtains and tub in a narrow passageway between the tub and the wall. She has gotten lost and trapped in the passageway for a long time. She walks out in a thin wet nightgown looking disheveled and confused. I am worried about my mother. She seems very confused and not entirely herself.
Toward the mountains
I am trying and trying to reach the mountains but I am never getting there because of interruptions and problems. The mountains are distant and beautiful across a wide desert-like plain. I really want to be in the mountains.
Graham is taken by a man on a horse who says, “wait there,” out on a desert with distant mountains, at a crossroads of narrow horse trails with a wooden signpost. I am concerned not only about Graham’s safely and well-being, but also about how long I will have to wait here with nothing to eat or drink and no shelter etc. The man did not say when he’ll be back or what will happen then. There is a sense of threat and danger, but it is all very matter of fact and though I am worried, I do not seem to be as worried as the situation might call for—there is also a sense that everything might work out OK.
Problems in College
Forgotten Homework:
I suddenly discover or remember that I have homework. The homework consists of a handout with a dark blue background and white animal shapes. We have to color in the animals. I do it fairly quickly with fine-point colored markers, a zebra, a giraffe, a leopard etc. I study it, and am reasonably happy, but not entirely. I see things I could have done better if I had taken more time.
When I have finished and heading out, another student discovers or remembers the homework. I tell her that I have also just remembered and that I just did it really quickly. She says there isn’t enough time, I say I did it very fast, and though it isn’t perfect, it’s OK. I feel both concerned about the imperfections and sort of smug about how fast I did it.
I have apparently forgotten that I need not only lunch but also dinner, because I have an evening class or meeting and I don’t have time to home between classes. A female friend asking me for or about it, as if perhaps I had offered to share it and I have to apologize that I’d forgotten.
I hop in bed with a man who seems to be “Nick Alfonsetti,” and place his hand on my breast (over my clothes)—he gets all excited and worked up and I hop back out of bed to head to my next class or meeting (without undressing or continuing). This seems rather of matter of fact in the dream but I am grossed out when I wake up and remember it.
I lose my shoes, or they are stolen. I must travel between buildings and it is raining. I run down the sidewalk in the rain in my socks. The college is an urban college, reminiscent of MCA but with more buildings.
I am trying to find my way back into my next class building, but go too far and have to go back up. I am having trouble finding the door. There are many green signs about ESF on the wall of this lower building, and I notice it but it seems clear that I am no longer studying at ESF but looking for the door to a different college. All these events appear to take place in the same short break between classes.

Here are the most obvious concerns from these dreams:

I am worried about my mother and her health and well-being, and her/my lucidity and related issues of being human and losing parts of herself/myself. One basic question is, “Who am I?” and what makes me who I am and how much of myself I can lose and still be me. This is part of why I always note such things as her continuing sense of humor—as a sort of evidence that she is still in there. I am afraid for her and for myself, afraid of death (though she says she is not) and also of a death before death, a sort of disappearing piece by piece into dementia.
I worry about Graham and his safety and well-being.
I want to get to and be in the mountains, both literally and figuratively. I worry that now that I have chosen to be with Keith, this won’t happen.
I want to continue learning and take more classes. I worry about this happening under my current circumstances, and whether those circumstances will change any time soon.
I worry about being left unprotected and without my needs being met.
The piece about losing my shoes was probably stimulated by Keith’s remarks last night about not wanting Graham to be running around in his socks, but it harks back to the time the dykes in jail stole my shoes and that whole ordeal of my having to go to court in my stocking feet with the parking tickets I didn’t get (but Peter did). I think this is something I need to revisit at some time. Keith’s lack of concern about parking tickets and even speeding tickets makes me very nervous and upset. It violates my own personal fears about tickets stemming from my bad experiences and makes me scared. (This reminds me that I also want to write to Keith about the Niagara thing because I don’t think he understands yet or knows I am serious.) Fear, embarrassment, violation, betrayal, vulnerability. Yikes. Lots of issues and emotions in that event.
I am concerned about finding the right balance of time and effort in a creative piece (or homework). I am fearful of both insufficient time and too much time. Insufficient time results in a poor quality piece or product, and too much time results in never finishing the work. Unfortunately, I tend toward one or the other extreme and have a hard time finding that happy middle ground. This is embarrassing and causes defensiveness—“why haven’t you finished that novel yet, etc.” Of course, the lack of balance between rush to completion and perfectionism is not the only issue in completing my work—my “ADD” (distractedness) and all the competing issues and problems also contribute.
There is a recurring theme of “lostness” in these dreams. I feel a sort of lostness, a lost purpose in my life because I have been unable to write or do any serious creative work due to computer problems, moving etc. Being lost and confused and unable to reach my goals is an issue that causes me concern and worry. I also don’t want to lose myself in my new life or in dementia etc. I want to be able to “Move on” in my life and get where I am going without losing myself in the process. How can I continue to be “me” and feel like me and be Keith’s partner, Graham’s mother, Mom’s daughter etc? How can I be the me that requires the “mountains” when I have fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, Keith and Graham (and all their restrictions on travel due to work and school), lack of funds and all this moving ordeal? I think I need another trip to “the mountains” in the near future, somehow.