Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tantrum Dream

Tantrum Dream

BB, PB and I are in the basement eating, talking, discussing, arguing.  PB is watching TV.  I am eating a yogurt which explodes in my hands,  I am wearing white gloves and get going yogurt and red jelly all over my gloves.  I run upstairs to clean up and BB is coming up too.  There is a baby on the counter in a child seat(the counter is the exact same blue formica as our current counters, and the baby looks like Sophia, but her car seat is like the one BBJ had as a baby), BB is feeling the baby red jelly with a spoon and managing to block the sink so I can't get cleaned up.  I wait at first, then try to squeeze by.  The mess is getting worse and I feel desperate to clean up and I start having a tantrum.  I beat BB on the chest with my first and and kick him in the shins and cry.  He says, "Does this mean you don't want to go for a walk with me later and I say "Yes."  "I mean no!"  I am trying to say, 'Yes I want to go for a walk,' 'no I don't mean that!' but he has stormed out and can't hear me and I wake up all agitated and upset.

When I telll BB the dream, he says it's a classic Freudian dream about sex and the mess is jism and the dancing around is sex and the confusion is all the confusion brought on sex (and the baby is the result of sex).

I suppose you could interpret it that way, but I tend to think otherwise--or at least that there could be multiple interpretations.  I think I am feeling guilty about the times I get angry at at BB and he done nothing intentionally to hurt me/  Mostly, he means well.  I tend to be over sensitive and reactive, especially when I am tired.

(I am really tired right now, from baking all day--3 pies, cranberry marshmallow salad, chocolate wafer cake etc-- HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)

I statements from dream:

  • I can't get cleaned up!
  • The mess is getting worse.
  • I feel desperate about the mess!
  • I am having a tantrum about the mess.
  • I am having a tantrum because BB is blocking the way for me to get cleaned up.  In the dream, he is in the way and I can't get to the sink.  In my waking life.  He is uncooperative (sometimes) about helping to clean and very uncooperative and stubborn and slow about dealing with Susan's stuff.  I feel as if HE is in the way to my getting unpacked and settled in to this house.  I need to find ways that I can proceed even without his help and cooperation, or I will be endlessly unhappy.
  • I "hate" BB (during the tantrum)!
  • I know I love him and will want to be with him later (as the tantrum subsides.)
  • I am eating something that I'm allergic to.  In the dream, I am eating yogurt, which I'm allergic to--this may mean in my waking life, i am eating something else I'm allergic to and need to pay attention to what that might be.)
  • I am wearing white gloves.  Gloves can signify security and abundance.  White gloves can signify handling a situation with care. Messing gloves, especially white ones, can signify difficulties.  White gloves can signify looking for messes.  (I don't need to look very far!)
Here is that reoccurring theme of being disturbed and distraught by messiness!  This was an upsetting dream!  I really need to get a grip! 

Gratitude List:

  • three pies made--I made:  apple cranberry, lemon meringue and bumbleberry pies
  • salad (cranberry-marshmallow) and chocolate wafer cake made.
  • BB is making dinner.  YAY!
  • I had two 15 minutes today
  • I got a new light therapy lamp which is supposed to help my sleep.  I hope it does.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Two Dreams, Wrong Trail, Backing up the Dream

The Wrong Trail

BB, PB and I stand in an arid sunny woods with very little understory.  Trails diverge in a number of directions, and there are signs pointing the way and colored trail markers, blue and orange.  At some point though, we have lost the way and stand and argue, which way.  PB points up the hill, I think we need to go left along the ridge.  But PB is adamant and we follow him, up over a ridge and down.  We emerge from the woods in an area that is under construction.  Large yellow construction vehicles and partly finished buildings litter the landscape.  I want to say, "I told you so," but I refrain.  This is not where we wanted to go.  This is not where we want to be.  But as I am looking around, I see that there are many strange animals wandering about, as if escaped from an animal farm, or zoo.  A large deer-like animal (female elk?) comes up to investigate me and I somehow capture it.  I want to take it back where it belongs, to lead it back, and it is willing to come with me.  But I wake up.

Backing up the dream

I am making a drawing and something bumps my arm.  This causes me to make a stray mark where I don't want one.  I know I am dreaming, so I back up the dream the way you would undo a mistake in photoshop, and thus erase the mistake.  I am drawing a tree, and coloring the branches a pale shade of orange.

I statements from the dreams:

I am on the wrong trail.  (We are on the wrong trail).
I am not where I want to be.  (We are not where we want to be.)
I am under construction.
I can lead the animals.
I need to back up.
I need to be assertive when I am right.  (?)

(?) My spirit guides are wandering around aimlessly because I am not giving them guidance by asking for guidance.  (?)

Advice from the deer spirit guide:  "listen, watch, pay attention, hide well, consider carefully irreversible decisions.  (WARNING BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!)  Be a deer--a DEAR.  Or--you are a dear."

"An elk in a dream symbolizes strength and endurance.  You need to spend more time with friends and eat healthier food."  Boy do I

"Elk in a dream signify that you'll have no need to worry about your attraction and/or ability in regard to sexual relations."  I'm doing OK in that department, no concerns there.

Elk dreams relate to being in nature.  They point to the basics of life and longing for freedom and simplicity.  You need to roam about, you need wide open spaces, you need mental clarity and openness.  You need passion.  Elk are also symbolic of self-development and redemption.  Elk can be symbols of grace.

elk Graceful strength, versatile, or noble. Dreaming of this animal can represent:
  • Having too much of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being less this way
  • Not having enough of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being more like this
  • Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.)
For more clues, pay attention to what the animal was doing or any particular characteristic that stood out.

I was going to lead the elk BACK to captivity in my dream.  It seemed at the time to be the right thing to do.  But I FEEL LIKE A CAPTIVE IN MY LIFE soemtimes, separated from what I need by being in the city.

I need:

  • freedom, freedom to roam about
  • nature

These are things I do NOT have in abundance in my current life.

Elk, who are you?  Why are you in my dream?

I am I-sisis, EYE-sie-sis.  I am the spirit guide of the wild and open spaces, come to remind you of your need for freedom and clarity, for power and strength, for health and companionship, for being you, for holding your head up high.  I am strength and power, sexuality and creativity.  I am the she-goddess incarnate. Worry less, BE more.  Go make dinner!  SMILE!

Friday, November 07, 2008

Out of Control Dream/Dreamwork

Out of Control

Today, my mother is scheduled to die. 
She will swallow a lethal dose of poison. 
Her begging for death, her plans and schemes,
have finally paid off.  She will join my father at last.
Before she goes, I want to race to the nursing home
to say goodbye, to say "I love you."  But the roads are snowy
and slick.  A good foot of snow, packed to ice in spots.
As I turn to the left, up a long hill, the car slides
backwards, faster and faster, slipping into the left lane.
I panic, stab wildly around with my foot, can't find the brakes.
Cars fly past on both sides.  I slide out of control,
can't even steer into my own lane.  Finally,
I find the brake, pump it enough to slow the car, and start
back up the long hill toward my mother's death.
I am afraid I'll be late.  She'll already be gone
and all my love and goodbyes will stay unspoken,
sticking in the throat of my heart like tears.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
081107-1225-1b; 081107-1st

This is a dream I had this morning.  To honor the dream and request further dreams, I have made it into a poem. 

When I write my dreams down, I do it in the first person present.  By doing so, I discover things about myself and my current situation.  For example:

I want to say goodbye to my mother.  I am afraid I won't get to say goodbye.  My mother died in January 2007.  I was not with her when she died.  I feel sad about this.  I cried about it a little this morning.  I think every time I revisit it, and cry a little, I am healed a little.

I am out of control. I can't find the brakes.  My life often, if not always feels out of control.  I think this is my addictions speaking through me.  My ADHD makes me always behind on everything, all the time.  I feel overwhelmed on the best of days. 

I am afraid I will be late:  I try really hard not to be late, and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't.  ADHD again.

I am sliding backwards.  Backsliding.  I am gaining weight again and the holidays are approaching.  I need to get my eating under control before the holidays get here!!!

I am going the wrong way.  I am in the wrong place.  This is certainly true because I am gaining weight,  I also need to look at other ways where I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I want to get myself headed int he right direction.

I believe dream messages mean more than one thing--it's the subconscious's way of communicating with the conscious mind.  I believe we can heal and grow by paying attention to our dreams.  And I want to heal and grow.  Writing a poem from my dream is one way of dealing with it.  Doing art is another. 

Mom, I love you and miss you!  Goodbye, beloved Mom, Godspeed on your soul journey.  Say hi to Pa!  I love you, Miss you!  Goodbye!

OK, what is the right place?  Where do I want to be?  I want to turn it over, and listen for instructions.  Meanwhile, here is where I think I want to be:

  1. lean and healthy and addition free (one day at a time)
  2. happy and cheerful, enthusiastic, loving, engaged
  3. in the bosom of my nuclear family and with friends
  4. be creative
  5. working on my writing and art projects in an organized way so that I can bring them to fruition:  Geraldine, Sissy, The woman who loved weeds etc.
  6. Moving toward being organized and tidy (reasonably so)
  7. continue on my healing journey toward radiant good heal inside and out.  LOL!
  8. find a balance that pleases me.  Release being such a taskmaster to myself!
What steps to I need to take to get there?  One day at a time, easy does it. 

  1. get back on track with my eating
  2. get enough sleep (order a blue light, stop staying up late!)
  3. make a friend locally.  Nurture love and family, friends.
  4. continue working on my creative projects, but don't overdo it on any one day.
  5. avoid switching projects until one is complete, if possible!  (Also hard for me)
  6. Work out an organizational plan that will work for me.  (This has proved very hard.)
  7. work on Twelve &, wings challenges etc.  (get into schedule/routine.)
  8. Try to relax a little about all this.  Work at it EASY DOES IT, ONE DAY AT A TIME!
I'm feeling guilty writing all this because I have so much else to DO!!!  DANG!  OK, enough for now!

Out of Control

Out of Control

Today, my mother is scheduled to die from a lethal dose
of poison.  Her begging for death has finally paid off.
I want to get to the nursing home before she goes
to say goodbye, to say I love you.  But the roads are snowy
and slick.  As I turn to the left, up a long hill, the car slides
backwards, faster and faster, slipping into the left lane.
I panic, stab around with my toe, can't find the brakes.
Cars fly past on both sides.  I can't even steer
into my own lane. I slide out of control.  Finally,
I find the brake, pump it enough to slow the car, and start
back up the long hill toward my mother's death.
I am afraid I'll be late; she'll already be gone
and I won't get to say goodbye.

Mary Stebbins Taitt

I want to say goodbye to my mother.
I am out of control.
I am sliding backwards.  Backsliding.
I am going the wrong way.
I am in the wrong place.
I can't find the brakes.
I am afraid I will be late
I am afraid I won't get to say goodbye.
I am worried about my mother's death.