Today, my mother is scheduled to die.
She will swallow a lethal dose of poison.
Her begging for death, her plans and schemes,
have finally paid off. She will join my father at last.
Before she goes, I want to race to the nursing home
to say goodbye, to say "I love you." But the roads are snowy
and slick. A good foot of snow, packed to ice in spots.
As I turn to the left, up a long hill, the car slides
backwards, faster and faster, slipping into the left lane.
I panic, stab wildly around with my foot, can't find the brakes.
Cars fly past on both sides. I slide out of control,
can't even steer into my own lane. Finally,
I find the brake, pump it enough to slow the car, and start
back up the long hill toward my mother's death.
I am afraid I'll be late. She'll already be gone
and all my love and goodbyes will stay unspoken,
sticking in the throat of my heart like tears.
Mary Stebbins Taitt
081107-1225-1b; 081107-1st
This is a dream I had this morning. To honor the dream and request further dreams, I have made it into a poem.
When I write my dreams down, I do it in the first person present. By doing so, I discover things about myself and my current situation. For example:
I want to say goodbye to my mother. I am afraid I won't get to say goodbye. My mother died in January 2007. I was not with her when she died. I feel sad about this. I cried about it a little this morning. I think every time I revisit it, and cry a little, I am healed a little.
I am out of control. I can't find the brakes. My life often, if not always feels out of control. I think this is my addictions speaking through me. My ADHD makes me always behind on everything, all the time. I feel overwhelmed on the best of days.
I am afraid I will be late: I try really hard not to be late, and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't. ADHD again.
I am sliding backwards. Backsliding. I am gaining weight again and the holidays are approaching. I need to get my eating under control before the holidays get here!!!
I am going the wrong way. I am in the wrong place. This is certainly true because I am gaining weight, I also need to look at other ways where I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want to get myself headed int he right direction.
I believe dream messages mean more than one thing--it's the subconscious's way of communicating with the conscious mind. I believe we can heal and grow by paying attention to our dreams. And I want to heal and grow. Writing a poem from my dream is one way of dealing with it. Doing art is another.
Mom, I love you and miss you! Goodbye, beloved Mom, Godspeed on your soul journey. Say hi to Pa! I love you, Miss you! Goodbye!
OK, what is the right place? Where do I want to be? I want to turn it over, and listen for instructions. Meanwhile, here is where I think I want to be:
- lean and healthy and addition free (one day at a time)
- happy and cheerful, enthusiastic, loving, engaged
- in the bosom of my nuclear family and with friends
- be creative
- working on my writing and art projects in an organized way so that I can bring them to fruition: Geraldine, Sissy, The woman who loved weeds etc.
- Moving toward being organized and tidy (reasonably so)
- continue on my healing journey toward radiant good heal inside and out. LOL!
- find a balance that pleases me. Release being such a taskmaster to myself!
- get back on track with my eating
- get enough sleep (order a blue light, stop staying up late!)
- make a friend locally. Nurture love and family, friends.
- continue working on my creative projects, but don't overdo it on any one day.
- avoid switching projects until one is complete, if possible! (Also hard for me)
- Work out an organizational plan that will work for me. (This has proved very hard.)
- work on Twelve &, wings challenges etc. (get into schedule/routine.)
- Try to relax a little about all this. Work at it EASY DOES IT, ONE DAY AT A TIME!
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