Spring, Discovered!

Here is an art piece to go with one of my new dreams.

In the dream, the triplets were juts a little older than this. I am wondering why I am dreaming of Jewish triplets. Supposedly, things coming in threes either mean good luck or PAY ATTENTION.

Perhaps I miss my friend Jacob who I've known since he was a boy? I really have no idea. Tu b'shavat?

Two Dreams in January

Spring Discovered

We are on a road trip driving through a countryside that is brown and dead looking.  Suddenly, I spot a bush that has a few flowers and then one with even more and one fully flowered--perhaps a shadbush.  I want to stop and take pictures of the flowers, and there are humming birds in them, lots.  A Jewish man with a yamakah and three sons, also wearing Yamakahs (triplets) are with us.  Everyone is jamming in around the shadbush to try and get pictures of the hummingbirds (who do not seem to be afraid of us at all and are flittering close to our faces and cameras) when the boys discover a robin's nest with four nearly fledged baby robins.  They are holding them, very carefully, but after a while I am nervous and want them to put them back in the nest.  I want the babies to be safe and the mother to return to them.  At one point, I want to photograph the three boys, each holding a baby robin and sitting close tilting toward each other in a very attractive way (more by accident than design). There is one small grey-brown unhatched egg.  I notice it is not blue and wonder if it is rotten or if the egg of a parasitic nester (eg:  brown-headed cowbird).

I think this is a wishful thinking dream, as it is very cold and wintry here.  I am eagerly awaiting warmth and flowers, birds, etc.  I love taking pictures but don't like elbowing my way between other photographers to do so.  I am sometimes torn between taking pictures and protecting flowers or birds.  The egg could be "rotten" because spring is not about to hatch here any time soon!  I am also the three boys wanting to hold the baby robins, wanting to be very careful with them.  I hope there is not some rotten egg in my life about to hatch into something dreadful--like death, disease, loss etc.  The hummingbirds are a symbol of life and energy and JOY!  (I could use a little joy, I've been kind of depressed for quite some time.)

This was a very realistic dream and I suppose it could happen.  But I do not know a Jewish man with three identical triplet boys and can't imagine why I'd be driving through the countryside with them.


Unprepared for and Bad Memory of Richard and Mimi Farina

A Bar hired me to sing Richard and Mimi Farina songs, but I was unable to properly prepare and have forgotten many of the words and even the songs and song titles.  I am botching it up badly, starting songs and unable to finish them, substituting songs by other artists like Peter Paul and Mary.  At some point the bar is entirely empty and I am singing on alone becase I am getting paid to do so but feeling like a complete loser.

This is probably a stress/worry dream. 

• I worry a lot about being unprepared when I have to do a presentation--in my job, for years, this was a daily concern, but it goes back even farther, to school and homework etc.  And I have two classes and all my manuscripts to prepare.
• I worry a lot about my failing memory.

on the other hand, Richard and Mimi Farina were a LONG LONG time ago, and to expect myself to remember them well without having prepared is absurd.


I am very unlikely to ever be hired to sing at a bar--I'm not that good a singer.  And if I were, it seems unlikely that I would be expected to continue singing to a totally empty bar!  I say this because one of the things it's good to ask about a dream is this:  could this happen?  Meanig, could it be a premontion?  It could happen, but it is pretty unlikely.

2 eggs and a scale

I had another dream last night--it could have been in response to the
friend one, since I'd asked for clarification and it could also
havebeen its own thing.

I dreamed that we were breaking camp and everyone had gone ahead andI
was making a final check. I found two eggs and a scale, a small
electronic digital balance scale (black).

Both eggs were brown, one was boiled and one was raw. They were
slightly different in color and size. I took them with me because I
thought the scale might belong to Graham. It turned out that the eggs
and scale belonged to a friend of Keith's who was traveling with us
(friend).

When I woke up though, I felt that the dream was a message to stop
trying to measure poetry against art. Each is its own thing and has
its own place and I need to stop weighing them against each other.

Poetry is the cooked egg, in a sense, I've been studying it and it is
more well-developed. Art is the raw egg, still in process. Poetry is
ready to be eaten. Art still needs to be cooked.

Or maybe the message is to eat the cooked egg first--maybe I AM
supposed to weigh them.

There was a friend in the dream--maybe it means that the friend who is
angry and afraid and lashing out has many creative powers and energy
that would be useful to me if I reintegrated her/him.

I don't know. I'm tired. But I found the dream powerful and full of
symbolism. EGGS and SCALES are both very powerful symbols (like SNAKES
are powerful!)

Persephone/Demeter are also meaningful for me--Virgo with her scales.
Scales can mean justice, Balance (which I sorely need),
decision-making.

And eggs. Ideas, growth, birth. Fertility, creative potential. Also fragility.

In the dream, I went on a long solo journey with the eggs and then
when I found out they belonged to the friend, I KEPT them and did not
return them. Felt a little odd about it, but put them into MY/our
things.

I hereby ask for yet ANOTHER dream of clarification for THIS dream.
Does it relate to the other or is it its own thing?

Snakes in the Water

Snakes in the Water

A woman friend* (?) is visiting me. I seem to be living in Big Sur or someplace like that. We are on a cliff looking down at waves crashing on the beach. She speaks of swimming, but I say we can swim up here, and it's very peaceful. "We can swim to the right, we can swim to the left." There suddenly appears to be a deep clear warm lake at the top of the cliff. The water is comforting, warm, refreshing, pretty. After we swim a bit in peace and comfort, we encounter snakes. They are swimming in the water around us, and my friend is frightened of them. I ignore them and swim right through them, and they ignore me. But my friend yells angrily at them and splashes water to scare them off. Instead of fleeing, they rear up in the water hissing, showing their fangs, and then come at us in attack mode, opening their mouths to bite. I am offended that they are attacking me when it wasn't me who attacked them. I am also put off and a bit frightened by the now angry snakes. And I am upset with my friend for provoking them.

*In the dream, I know her, but when I wake, I can't remember or figure out who she is.

I had this dream several days ago and it has been haunting me.

I often think of water as the subconscious.

The green snakes (they were all green and in a wide variety of sizes) seemed peaceful and harmless at first. They floated in the water like lily pads. Relaxed. But when riled, they went into attack mode.

Snakes can be sexual and represent male genitalia, but also represent female power. The Goddess. They can represent nature and the power of nature.

The snake can be a symbol of transformation. Snakes are often seen as symbols of life, death and rebirth. In North American native tribes, the shedding of the snake's skin is associated with life and a new beginning.

If all the parts of the dream are viewed as part of myself, one could look at the dream as two different ways of dealing with life. If I approach life and change in a relaxed and calm way, I move through it without difficulty, but if I get frightened or angry, yell, splash around, than life becomes a problem and attacks me. I've seen this over and over!

I also wonder if the dream could have been caused by a confrontation with the security guard at Elmwood Cemetery. I can't remember if it happened before or after that. The guard was upset and K was exacerbating his upset instead of soothing it.

In any case, ONE message of the dream is to relax and go with the flow, so to speak, be soothing rather than angry and reactive. Unfortunately, when riled, I tend to attack, just like the snakes. That's the wrong approach. I learned it again today when calling the bank about an issue. Calmness works better. BUT, how do I get a grip on myself when upset?

I hereby ask for a clarifying dream.

Could this happen in waking life? Yes but it is unlikely.

Note: I am not normally afraid of snakes in waking life. But I often am in dreams.

OK, I have worked ALL MORNING and part of the afternoon Tuesday on a poem about this, 6 drafts so far.

Thin as Our Fingers
(Turning Flowers to Garbage)

A lake appears along the trail, above the cliffs
and pounding surf beneath. Bounded by cliff-side rocks,
it stretches nearly as far as we can see. Huge,
like the ocean below, but calmer. More welcoming
than the crashing waves of the sea. The trail
enters the lake and continues out of sight under the water,
as yellow as the yellow brick road in the Land of Oz.
I plunge in, eager, excited. Warm as air, the water
caresses me. Soft. Buoyant, delightful. I exhale, sink into it,
and rise again. “We can swim to the left, we can swim
to the right!” I tell you. And demonstrate. A smile
blossoms on my face and fills me with light
like the first sunny day of spring. You hesitate, then follow,
slowly. Wade, then swim. Then smile, too. We drift together,
above the yellow path under the water. You laugh,
bob, sway, almost seem to dance, until you see
the snakes. Green snakes, hundreds of them.
Some are as thin as our fingers, some as thick and long
as our arms and legs. The snakes float on the water like lily pads,
hold only their nostrils above water, heads suspended, tails dangling
like the long stems of water lilies. I swim and glide among them,
easy, relaxed, smiling. No clouds crowd the horizon; the sky
wears the clearest, deepest blue robes imaginable. Reflects
the endless blue water. But you stiffen. Hang back.
“Look,” I say, “they are harmless.” Snakes surround me,
and pay me no mind. Still frightened, you refuse
to swim forward. Suddenly, you yell and splash at the snakes.
In an instant, they all rear up, draw scaly lips back
to expose their fangs and hiss. They charge us both.




Mary Stebbins Taitt
For BB and jo(e)
090113-1229-1eb

I wonder if I should attempt a version of this poem that not only tells the dream but also explores feelings and possibilities about it. That feels challenging and frightening to me. Making a good and successful POEM out of all that. And right now I am totally overwhelmed, but maybe I can try it later.

I was up really late working on this last night and have done nothing else including EAT (no food yet today, BAD for me!) exercise chores etc. This has really consumed me but I MUST do other things!

The Broken Eggs

Here's the dream that went with the poem:

The Broken Eggs

I am at Florence Morrison's house for a class she is teaching and she is frying eggs for us--we have to get them from the fridge and bring them to her and she tosses them into the pan--to speed things up.  When I go to get mine, the fridge is full of broken brown eggs, and stacks of shells.  Everyone else finds eggs, but I find only shells and broken eggs.  Florence tells me broken eggs are still good and I say, "remember how I used to have chickens bag then, I know about broken eggs," but I still can't find any that are edible.  She tells me I need to hurry and I crawl inside the refrigerator in order to see better.  Now, even the cracked ones are gone.

I wake up with images of cracked and broken eggs haunting me.  (Broken dreams?)
I feel somehow sad and left out.
I honored the dream by writing that poem, and I ask for dreams of clarification.

I am grateful for

• enough sleep to dream.
• a husband who seems to really love me, in spite of the wretched poem I just wrote about him
• a husband who is handsome and sexy
• the fact that I lost some weight!  YAY!
  

The Sinking Raft

The Sinking Raft

Slowly, my husband unloves me.  He stops
putting the clean laundry in the drawers, then stops
fluffing and folding it.  Brings it up and dumps it
in a tangle.  Stops greasing my feet, rubbing my back,
making love to me.  "I will do everything,"
he said, when he was courting.  I dream of Florence,
wife of John, my botany professor.  More than forty
years ago, John tried to get me into bed.  I refused,
despite his gifts and constant attention, but Katra caved
and fell that long dark fall where you know you'll die
when you hit bottom, and she wasn't dreaming.
Katra didn't die, she became a lesbian, after John.
Who could blame her?  And Florence had an unfaithful

husband.  I hated John for that.  "I'll do everything,"
my husband said.  "You can't," I countered. 
He tried, but couldn't.  Of course
he couldn't. No one could.  I can't
do anything.  I rarely sleep, stare, zombie-like
at the increasing chaos I can't control
with my exhausted brain and body. 
But each time he stops, I see him turning away,
turning his face to the wall, inching toward the farthest
edge of the bed, away from me.  He does that, too. 
Leaves me in sleep.  I leave him, too,
get up and pace the dark for  hours, too tired
to be useful.  I finally sleep and go

somewhere he's never been, without him. 
When I dream of Florence, her refrigerator is full
of broken eggs.  She fries eggs for all the women
her husband courts, and everyone gets eggs
but me.  But why go back now, forty years later?
Menopause?  Dashed hopes, broken dreams?
Is, like John, my husband unfaithful?  "Remember
when you used to love me?" I ask my husband.
He tries the same on me.  "See how it hurts?"
He clings to me in bed, before he turns away,
clings as to a life-raft in a stormy sea.
I cling to him.  We're not unfaithful, only old
and getting daily older.


Mary Taitt
081205-1026-1c; 081205-0945 1st

Tantrum Dream

Tantrum Dream

BB, PB and I are in the basement eating, talking, discussing, arguing.  PB is watching TV.  I am eating a yogurt which explodes in my hands,  I am wearing white gloves and get going yogurt and red jelly all over my gloves.  I run upstairs to clean up and BB is coming up too.  There is a baby on the counter in a child seat(the counter is the exact same blue formica as our current counters, and the baby looks like Sophia, but her car seat is like the one BBJ had as a baby), BB is feeling the baby red jelly with a spoon and managing to block the sink so I can't get cleaned up.  I wait at first, then try to squeeze by.  The mess is getting worse and I feel desperate to clean up and I start having a tantrum.  I beat BB on the chest with my first and and kick him in the shins and cry.  He says, "Does this mean you don't want to go for a walk with me later and I say "Yes."  "I mean no!"  I am trying to say, 'Yes I want to go for a walk,' 'no I don't mean that!' but he has stormed out and can't hear me and I wake up all agitated and upset.

When I telll BB the dream, he says it's a classic Freudian dream about sex and the mess is jism and the dancing around is sex and the confusion is all the confusion brought on sex (and the baby is the result of sex).

I suppose you could interpret it that way, but I tend to think otherwise--or at least that there could be multiple interpretations.  I think I am feeling guilty about the times I get angry at at BB and he done nothing intentionally to hurt me/  Mostly, he means well.  I tend to be over sensitive and reactive, especially when I am tired.

(I am really tired right now, from baking all day--3 pies, cranberry marshmallow salad, chocolate wafer cake etc-- HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!)

I statements from dream:

• I can't get cleaned up!
• The mess is getting worse.
• I feel desperate about the mess!
• I am having a tantrum about the mess.
• I am having a tantrum because BB is blocking the way for me to get cleaned up.  In the dream, he is in the way and I can't get to the sink.  In my waking life.  He is uncooperative (sometimes) about helping to clean and very uncooperative and stubborn and slow about dealing with Susan's stuff.  I feel as if HE is in the way to my getting unpacked and settled in to this house.  I need to find ways that I can proceed even without his help and cooperation, or I will be endlessly unhappy.
  
• I "hate" BB (during the tantrum)!
• I know I love him and will want to be with him later (as the tantrum subsides.)
• I am eating something that I'm allergic to.  In the dream, I am eating yogurt, which I'm allergic to--this may mean in my waking life, i am eating something else I'm allergic to and need to pay attention to what that might be.)
• I am wearing white gloves.  Gloves can signify security and abundance.  White gloves can signify handling a situation with care. Messing gloves, especially white ones, can signify difficulties.  White gloves can signify looking for messes.  (I don't need to look very far!)

             
Here is that reoccurring theme of being disturbed and distraught by messiness!  This was an upsetting dream!  I really need to get a grip! 

Gratitude List:

• three pies made--I made:  apple cranberry, lemon meringue and bumbleberry pies
  
• salad (cranberry-marshmallow) and chocolate wafer cake made.
• BB is making dinner.  YAY!
• I had two 15 minutes today
• I got a new light therapy lamp which is supposed to help my sleep.  I hope it does.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Two Dreams, Wrong Trail, Backing up the Dream

The Wrong Trail

BB, PB and I stand in an arid sunny woods with very little understory.  Trails diverge in a number of directions, and there are signs pointing the way and colored trail markers, blue and orange.  At some point though, we have lost the way and stand and argue, which way.  PB points up the hill, I think we need to go left along the ridge.  But PB is adamant and we follow him, up over a ridge and down.  We emerge from the woods in an area that is under construction.  Large yellow construction vehicles and partly finished buildings litter the landscape.  I want to say, "I told you so," but I refrain.  This is not where we wanted to go.  This is not where we want to be.  But as I am looking around, I see that there are many strange animals wandering about, as if escaped from an animal farm, or zoo.  A large deer-like animal (female elk?) comes up to investigate me and I somehow capture it.  I want to take it back where it belongs, to lead it back, and it is willing to come with me.  But I wake up.

Backing up the dream

I am making a drawing and something bumps my arm.  This causes me to make a stray mark where I don't want one.  I know I am dreaming, so I back up the dream the way you would undo a mistake in photoshop, and thus erase the mistake.  I am drawing a tree, and coloring the branches a pale shade of orange.

I statements from the dreams:

I am on the wrong trail.  (We are on the wrong trail).
I am not where I want to be.  (We are not where we want to be.)
I am under construction.
I can lead the animals.
I need to back up.
I need to be assertive when I am right.  (?)

(?) My spirit guides are wandering around aimlessly because I am not giving them guidance by asking for guidance.  (?)

Advice from the deer spirit guide:  "listen, watch, pay attention, hide well, consider carefully irreversible decisions.  (WARNING BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!)  Be a deer--a DEAR.  Or--you are a dear."

"An elk in a dream symbolizes strength and endurance.  You need to spend more time with friends and eat healthier food."  Boy do I

"Elk in a dream signify that you'll have no need to worry about your attraction and/or ability in regard to sexual relations."  I'm doing OK in that department, no concerns there.

Elk dreams relate to being in nature.  They point to the basics of life and longing for freedom and simplicity.  You need to roam about, you need wide open spaces, you need mental clarity and openness.  You need passion.  Elk are also symbolic of self-development and redemption.  Elk can be symbols of grace.

elk Graceful strength, versatile, or noble. Dreaming of this animal can represent:

• Having too much of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being less this way
• Not having enough of one of these qualities, or that you could benefit by being more like this
• Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.)

For more clues, pay attention to what the animal was doing or any particular characteristic that stood out.

I was going to lead the elk BACK to captivity in my dream.  It seemed at the time to be the right thing to do.  But I FEEL LIKE A CAPTIVE IN MY LIFE soemtimes, separated from what I need by being in the city.

I need:

• freedom, freedom to roam about
• nature

These are things I do NOT have in abundance in my current life.

Elk, who are you?  Why are you in my dream?

I am I-sisis, EYE-sie-sis.  I am the spirit guide of the wild and open spaces, come to remind you of your need for freedom and clarity, for power and strength, for health and companionship, for being you, for holding your head up high.  I am strength and power, sexuality and creativity.  I am the she-goddess incarnate. Worry less, BE more.  Go make dinner!  SMILE!

Out of Control Dream/Dreamwork

Out of Control

Today, my mother is scheduled to die. 
She will swallow a lethal dose of poison. 
Her begging for death, her plans and schemes,
have finally paid off.  She will join my father at last.
Before she goes, I want to race to the nursing home
to say goodbye, to say "I love you."  But the roads are snowy
and slick.  A good foot of snow, packed to ice in spots.
As I turn to the left, up a long hill, the car slides
backwards, faster and faster, slipping into the left lane.
I panic, stab wildly around with my foot, can't find the brakes.
Cars fly past on both sides.  I slide out of control,
can't even steer into my own lane.  Finally,
I find the brake, pump it enough to slow the car, and start
back up the long hill toward my mother's death.
I am afraid I'll be late.  She'll already be gone
and all my love and goodbyes will stay unspoken,
sticking in the throat of my heart like tears.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
081107-1225-1b; 081107-1st

This is a dream I had this morning.  To honor the dream and request further dreams, I have made it into a poem. 

When I write my dreams down, I do it in the first person present.  By doing so, I discover things about myself and my current situation.  For example:

I want to say goodbye to my mother.  I am afraid I won't get to say goodbye.  My mother died in January 2007.  I was not with her when she died.  I feel sad about this.  I cried about it a little this morning.  I think every time I revisit it, and cry a little, I am healed a little.

I am out of control. I can't find the brakes.  My life often, if not always feels out of control.  I think this is my addictions speaking through me.  My ADHD makes me always behind on everything, all the time.  I feel overwhelmed on the best of days. 

I am afraid I will be late:  I try really hard not to be late, and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don't.  ADHD again.

I am sliding backwards.  Backsliding.  I am gaining weight again and the holidays are approaching.  I need to get my eating under control before the holidays get here!!!

I am going the wrong way.  I am in the wrong place.  This is certainly true because I am gaining weight,  I also need to look at other ways where I am in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I want to get myself headed int he right direction.

I believe dream messages mean more than one thing--it's the subconscious's way of communicating with the conscious mind.  I believe we can heal and grow by paying attention to our dreams.  And I want to heal and grow.  Writing a poem from my dream is one way of dealing with it.  Doing art is another. 

Mom, I love you and miss you!  Goodbye, beloved Mom, Godspeed on your soul journey.  Say hi to Pa!  I love you, Miss you!  Goodbye!

OK, what is the right place?  Where do I want to be?  I want to turn it over, and listen for instructions.  Meanwhile, here is where I think I want to be:

1. lean and healthy and addition free (one day at a time)
2. happy and cheerful, enthusiastic, loving, engaged
3. in the bosom of my nuclear family and with friends
4. be creative
5. working on my writing and art projects in an organized way so that I can bring them to fruition:  Geraldine, Sissy, The woman who loved weeds etc.
6. Moving toward being organized and tidy (reasonably so)
7. continue on my healing journey toward radiant good heal inside and out.  LOL!
8. find a balance that pleases me.  Release being such a taskmaster to myself!
   

What steps to I need to take to get there?  One day at a time, easy does it. 

1. get back on track with my eating
2. get enough sleep (order a blue light, stop staying up late!)
3. make a friend locally.  Nurture love and family, friends.
4. continue working on my creative projects, but don't overdo it on any one day.
5. avoid switching projects until one is complete, if possible!  (Also hard for me)
   
6. Work out an organizational plan that will work for me.  (This has proved very hard.)
7. work on Twelve &, wings challenges etc.  (get into schedule/routine.)
8. Try to relax a little about all this.  Work at it EASY DOES IT, ONE DAY AT A TIME!

I'm feeling guilty writing all this because I have so much else to DO!!!  DANG!  OK, enough for now!

Out of Control

Out of Control

Today, my mother is scheduled to die from a lethal dose
of poison.  Her begging for death has finally paid off.
I want to get to the nursing home before she goes
to say goodbye, to say I love you.  But the roads are snowy
and slick.  As I turn to the left, up a long hill, the car slides
backwards, faster and faster, slipping into the left lane.
I panic, stab around with my toe, can't find the brakes.
Cars fly past on both sides.  I can't even steer
into my own lane. I slide out of control.  Finally,
I find the brake, pump it enough to slow the car, and start
back up the long hill toward my mother's death.
I am afraid I'll be late; she'll already be gone
and I won't get to say goodbye.

Mary Stebbins Taitt
081107-1st




I want to say goodbye to my mother.
I am out of control.
I am sliding backwards.  Backsliding.
I am going the wrong way.
I am in the wrong place.
I can't find the brakes.
I am afraid I will be late
I am afraid I won't get to say goodbye.
I am worried about my mother's death.

The Uncrossable Bridge

I had years of uncrossable bridge dreams., where the bridge just ended, but I haven't had any for a while. At least not that I remember. (This picture was taken at the Dodge Poetry Festival. Click the image to view it larger.)

Bridges often relate to decisions which are emotionally difficult to make. The bridge may symbolizes the finality of this decision. An interrupted or broken bridge may mean that the dreamer, in this case, me, is having difficulty moving forward with a difficult decision, or moving on with life.

When I was trying to move to Detroit, bridges at both ends were under construction. When bridges at both ends were finished, I decided it was time to complete the move, and did.

The Studio and Storage Rooms

I dream I am wandering around our house and find three hidden rooms. One, in the basement, is very large. It has white walls, black and white checkered floors, and an attached bathroom. Another is on the mezzanine level. I am angry at Keith for not telling me about these rooms.

When he comes home, I confront him (in the dream), and ask him why he never told me about these rooms. I am eager to make one into a studio, one into an office and one into a storage area and move all my boxes there. Keith laughs at me and asks me where these rooms are. This infuriates me. "One in the basement, one in the mezzanine." He starts laughing again, and I realize it was a dream (inside the dream.) I say, "It was a dream, so stop laughing." I am annoyed at him because he doesn't understand how important it is to find a solution to the problem. I tell him I think he doesn't care. I am very sad, and at the same time, still eager to move the boxes.

* * * *

I wake up feeling even sadder. It seems that no solution to the problems is forthcoming. I need to figure out a way to get the boxes out of the living room and other living spaces, get them unpacked, get my studio stuff into an appropriate space, and have sufficient work space.

• Buying a house seems like the best solution, in a way, because it would provide storage space, an office space, a studio space and guest rooms. But I don't want Keith spending all his spare time painting and working. I worry about theft and loss of wiring, pipes etc, I worry about taxes and the expense. Mowing the lawn, not having an air conditioner. I like the fact that in theory, at least, we could recoup the cost of the house in the end. Buying a camp would also be cool, because it would give us a place to go, but then I worry about travel, separation (if I spend time there working), and the safety of the camp and its contents when we're not there. There would also still be the issue of expense, taxes, and Keith's time spent working.
  
• Building an addition might work to some extent if we made the addition into a FAMILY room and I could have the current whole office area for myself. It would not provide storage space or guest rooms, however. I worry about putting a studio in the addition because it would be accessible to guests and guaranteed to always be messy. I would like to have the downstairs cleaned up!
• Raising the garage, or building a new bigger one would provide studio and guest room, but would be a struggle getting it passed by the city and might fail.
• buying a new bigger house for all of us, or a more efficiently planned house, would be the best solution is some ways, but it would be a huge hassle moving. The house would be more expensive, the taxes would be higher, but if we found the right house, it could provide all our needs.

The fact that I am dreaming about this means it is weighing heavily on me. Maybe I should do like Tom and start digging--dig a new underground basement for the boxes. If the living room could be made comfortable, maybe I could use the office. But that would only solve part of the problem.

September 13, 2008 The image is a fractal I created with help from Apophysis (not right out of the box, manipulated. Apophysis is a free download.) The image represents the feeling of joy I would have if I could solve the problems presented in this dream--if I had a nice studio space and the boxes were gone, etc.

Ruins at Three Rivers

I was looking for the ruins fo the Global Trading center which were
more like my dream, but couldn't find them, so here's this. My dream
ruins were clsoed in and darker than these, but otherwise similar.

Doublebooked in the Huge Ruins

Somehow, I have managed to double-book my time.  Two sets of people arrive.  They are Hal and another man I know in the dream but now don't know who it is, and Sara and Erin.  Hal and X are there for a meeting about something that is clear in the dream but gone now.  Whatever it is, it is important to me.  And the girls are there for family time and they are important to me.  I am embarrassed and mortified that I have double-booked and am suggesting things we could all do together (go to the movies) and seeing myself that none of them will work well and feeling terrible because I want both the meeting and the time with the girls.  At one point I tell the girls and other assembled people who Hal is, flashing up an image of him as a kid (as if they'd have known him then) and they are all astounded.  (It's as if the girls are at once my daughters and my compatriots.)  At this point, X is lying on the floor falling asleep with boredom.  AK!  (I feel bad and guilty, especially since I also want to do whatever it was we were going to do.)

This is part of the same dream and all woven together with it:

I am living in a HUGE old mansion/house/ruins that I have often dreamed about before.  It has many floors.  It is made out of stone and concrete and the upper floors int his dream are like the ruins of an old factory.  Somewhere there is a room with the animals in it and I need to feed them but can't find them.  I keep going up and up and wandering around looking for the right stairway and being frustrated.  Eventually, I finally find it on the opposite side of this huge warehouse-like structure and it's actually an extra floor up than I thought (the fourth rather than the third).  Because I was talking to all my guests and wasn't prepared I don't have the cat food with me and am upset.  (It's so far back to get it and I AM not find the place again).  I am pleased that the tadpoles are still alive.  I have dogs, cats, and other animals in this huge floor.  I am talking to my guests who are also wandering around, telling them about the tunnel under the road/river (in some dreams, it goes under a river, but in this dream it seems to go under a road.).  The place is dangerous, and Anne La Forest has appeared (she wasn't there earlier and is hopping down from one layer to another while a vast open area is right beside her so one false move and she'd be a goner.  The girls have found a whole floor of attic stuff from the past and are happily examining and talking about their finds and showing them to each other and me.   There are photographs and objects/artifacts, clothes on hangers , etc, all from their childhood and very interesting to all of us.


I live in these ruins, and they are very familiar, shifting, and unfamiliar.  At some points, I am almost lucid.  I seem to know I am dreaming and that this is a partially recurring dream or dream location.  It seems that this dream locale is also the one that has Aunty Ann's bedroom tucked away in some mezzanine layer with hidden staircases, though that was not in this dream.  The lower part of the building is more like a regular house and is neat and "clean" (in the dream), but there are many levels both above and below that are in various states of ruin and dangerous and strange.  In this dream, we went up, but the past was up there in an attic-like way.  I know sometimes attics represent the future and basements the past, but here, there was a level that clearly represented the past.  Even inside the dream, I knew that.  Also, there were more levels that the "physical" structure would seem to indicate or support.

1)I am worrying about accomplishing multiple goals in one time frame where they don't work well together, in both the dream and phenomenal life, and no answer is given.  I am having trouble balancing multiple priorities and goals. Not all my goals are being achieved.  This worries and upsets me.
2)My house (body, self) is multi-layered and partly in ruins, constantly shifting, and dangerous.  No solution is given.  I am overwhelmed and a little confused--in the dream and in waking (phenomenal) life.
3) am concerned about the loss of various aspects of my mind/memories/past/life.  My whole life, in fact.
4)I am concerned about the balance of my "work" and family.

These are all true, but I don't know how to solve them.  It is easy to say "simplify," but much harder to do.  8-31-08

Attack!

Mountain Lion! I hear a growling and look up to see a mountain lion crouched on a slanted beam above me. I am alone in the room. The growling escalates. I know if I run, the mountain lion will attack. Keeping the beam between me and the mountain lion, I back toward the bed and clutching a pencil in my teeth to keep it at bay, I cover myself with a quilt. The lion leaps down from the beam and onto me. I grab it by the jaw and several teeth go through my hand. I can feel the long sharp claws in my skin. I want to scream for help, but Sara and Erin are in the house, and if I call them in, they would be in danger. Not knowing what else to do, I holler help, but hardly any sound comes out. I yell help over and over, but I know no one can hear me. Finally, I muster all my energy and yell help at the top of my lungs. I wake myself up, yelling out loud in real life. My heart is beating like mad. I am terrified. I listen to see if I've wakened Graham, but hear nothing. But I can't get my breath and my heart is beating and I am genuinely afraid. It's before 6 AM, but I never go back to sleep. Hours later, I still feel breathless and afraid. At one point, I finally start slipping back to sleep. I have a hypnogogic or early dream that everything is collapsing in different directions and immediately wake back up, upset and frightened. I try again to sleep but cannot.

---

A nightmare is defined as a disturbing, frightening dream that is so upsetting as to wake you from sleep. This was clearly a nightmare., although woke myself, I did it screaming for help. Because I still feel breathless and tight-chested, I am guessing I may have had an apnea event (severe? by my continuing tightness of chest and sense of fear?), although the dream was not about smothering or drowning. It is interesting that I grabbed the mountain lion by the jaw. This is the same thing I did in an earlier dream (last week) about the dire wolf. It doesn't seem to smart to grab a predator with a mount full of sharp teeth by the jaw with a hand over the teeth (unless wearing very strong gloves! perhaps over the top of the snout or under the lower jaw? I worry that being attacked twice in about a week by a large, deadly predator may not be Shamanism but a warning of some danger. :-( Health issues? Impending danger of some kind? Risk on motorcycle or dangerous driving? Heart attack, stroke, apnea death? The fact that I have a sense of tension in my chest is bothersome and scary. Is it just fear from the dream or is something wrong? Is it a warning I should do some of that doctoring I've been postponing (gyn, mammogram? etc). If it is another spirit guide, is it my old mountain lion upset with me because I'm ignoring it? Could that be the same with the dire wolf? Rather than two new spirit guides, could the old ones be trying to get my attention? Or could it be both of these things? Both danger and Shamanism? I am convinced that dreams can and often are multilayered and multi-messaged.

---

Could this dream really happen? Yes, it could, but it seems pretty unlikely. We were at some sort of camp with large, loglike beams. Sara and Erin were there too. There was nothing in the dream that couldn't happen, although in real life, it seems unlikely that I would clutch a pencil in my teeth to keep a mountain lion at bay. There are three questions one is supposed to ask of every dream, but I can't think what they are. One is, could this dream really happen, in case it's a prophetic dream. To prepare yourself to watch for it and make ready. I can't remember the other two. I want to go look for my books and notes on dreaming, but I don't know where anything is.

---

OK, mountain lion, who are you? Are you a daymare, a threat in real life, or a spirit guide? Or both? Please answer.

I am strength and power. I am threat. I can consume you. It will not be fun.

But you weren't, you didn't. I called for help many times, and you could have killed me duringt hat time, and you did not.

I am/was playing with you. Cat and mouse. I want/ed to you suffer.

Really? Who is saying this? You or me? If you really do want me to suffer, what is it that I am being punished for? Why do you want me to suffer?

Well, I could name a lot of reasons. Look at you, just look. I could do that if that's what you want to hear. Want me to name all the reasons why you ought to suffer?

I want to understand. I want to know why you came to me. Are you related to the dire wolf? Are you warning me? Are you my spirit guide Mt. Lion? Are you a prophecy? Are you prophetic about a real mountain lion or death in some other form? Or what? All of the above? Some of the above? None of the above? Are you related to the tension in my chest? Or are you really hear to punish me for some wrong I did or some character flaw? Or what? That's a lot of possibilities. You're not being very helpful. And you don't like it one bit! Nope, I don't. I'm getting annoyed with you for not answering me better. This could be a matetr of life and death. You're gonna die. Yup, I know that, but I'm NOT in a rush, to say the least. Are you killing me soon? IS there something I need to do or change now? Lots of things. Yes, I know this, but are YOU trying to tell ME something SPECIFIC?

---

Do I have a daymare that is anywhere near as terrifying as this? Not one I can think of. I'm worried about unsafe driving and scary driving, about sleep apnea (and dying from it--that's pretty scary!) I'm worried about death and suffering sometimes, but most of my other worries and concerns aren't TERRIFYING to me.

---

from Dr. Dream:

So What do I do with My Nightmare?

First, get to the root of the issue in the Dream workshop

In the day world:

• Identify the Day-mare that is the trigger for the nightmare
• Invent alternatives that might help resolve the day-mare.
• What can you change in the day world that will resolve the day-mare?
• Confront the daymare and change something

  In the dream world:

• Invent alternative ways to engage the nightmare.
• Call for friends to come and help you.
• Confront the nightmare.
• Take a different tack. Do it differently.
• 
  

Being chased by a monster is a classic nightmare. It is universal. Every country and culture reports the nightmare of "being chased by a monster." It is probably linked to a very primitive survival tactic. Makes good sense. The idea in dream work is to switch ground on the nightmare.

• Ask the monster if it likes ice cream or it is frightened of you.
• Ask if it has a mask on.
• Is or is standing in for something else.
• Ask the monster if it has bunions. I've pulled a lot of thorns out of Lion's paws...

  The idea is to try the nightmare a different way. The idea is to open a new relationship where you don't do the old thing anymore.

---

So Lion, are you male or female, do you have a name? Are you a Lioness with cubs, like my earlier Lion?

You don't remember my name, do you?

Nope. Sorry! :-( WAHN! I'm feeling stupid. Do you like ice cream?

No, I like pronghorn antelopes, deer, and people.

do you have a thorn in your foot? No.

Are you standing in for someone else? Are you wearing a mask?

Sometimes. And you know who. I am you, I am God. I am a spirit messenger, and a messenger from your unconscious mind.

What good are you if you won't tell me why you came?

You need to pay attention. You always forget.

I do forget. I have ADHD, I am distractable.

You use that as an excuse.

It's true, I am infinitely distractable. And I don't always know what's important.

I'm important.

I don't know who or what you are or why you came or WHY or HOW you're important, and I don't seem to be getting anywhere. And I have other things to do.

Then why are you still here?

Because you frightened me and I am worried. If you are really trying to tell me something, I want to know what it is. But I guess I am giving up for now. I don't even see how I could write a poem about you. If you want me to write a poem about me, I need something to go with. I can't write Tyger Tyger burning bright. You're not a Tiger and someone else already said that, though, that seems like a suitable kind of thing, a sort of celebration of fear. And I can't write rage rage rage against the coming of the night, cause someone already said that, too, and that seems like something appropriate, too--fear of death. I thought you were going to KILL ME, and do it painfully and horribly, on top of that. Fear, and death and attack. Attack? Heart attack? I am being attacked? How am I being attacked? How do I attack myself? I notice that you are inside the "house" or building, and not out in the forest or cliffs, though in that mini journey we took together (that I did not write down), you took me to a cliff. High up. I had a good view of mountains, and rolling hills, kind of purple. And we were cleaved. Are you wearing my face or BB's or both? Or neither? The face of death itself? I'm confused. I also notice that you were growling, but half hidden on the back of the beam, I could hardly see you. What is it in my life that is threatening me that I can barely see? Some warning I am ignorning? (chest tension, heart attack?) What? What am I to do? Speak to me.

---

Attack!

A warning growl alerts me. Mountain Lion, hidden on an overhanging beam.
The throaty growl intensifies. If I run, she will leap. Keeping the beam between us,
I back away, pencil clutched in my teeth to hold it at bay. I slide under a quilt for cover.
Puny protection when she jumps down and long claws gash my flesh through the fabric.
I am afraid to call for help. If my daughters come, the lion might hurt them.
I grab her jaw. Teeth pierce my hand, like nails. In spite of the pain, I hold on.
And cry out. I try to scream, say help. Help. Help! Still worrying about the girls.
I try to scream, but my voice whispers. Weak, nearly inaudible. No sounds of rescue,
only silence. I try again, and again fail. I suck in air, gather my strength, shout,
HELP aloud and loud, and wake myself in another bed in another room in another world.
My heart crashes, and panting, I listen. Have I wakened my son yelling? No sound.
Catching my breath, flexing my injured hand, I lie still while dream fragments
fall away around me. But another shell of tenacious dream encloses me.
I push out again, and yet again, but am surrounded. In here with me,
a lion still sits on my chest sheathing and unsheathing its claws.


Mary Stebbins Taitt 080409

Lost Rose, Found Star

We peel the plastic lid from the cold, forgotten coffee can.
It was delivered earlier from Ann, my aunt, in the heat
of a summer afternoon.  Inside, we find ice-cube thank yous,
mostly melted shards floating in a sea of lemonade.  I pull
out the largest to study it:  a disk-shape.  A pink rose
dribbles between a dripping green Thank and an oozing green you. 
Flavors, tasted from the tip of a finger, lemon, lime and strawberry,
run, mingle and melt into each other.  Although she sent one
for each of us, three rapidly shrinking disks and slivers
are all that remain.  If we'd only opened them sooner;
if it could only be undone.  But it cannot.  Inside the frame
of the disk melting between my fingers:  crystals of ice,
joined at the center, a many-pointed star.  Shining.  Blazing
radiates all of the sun's light and maybe more.  My Aunt's love! 
Such surprising brilliance!  Such luminance and beauty! 
I want to capture and keep it in a picture, but is melts,
crumbles and is gone before I can get my camera.  I'm sad
until I realize we have her love.  She may have melted
between our fingers and disappeared, but her love is with us. 
And that star?  Snared in my memory, and still intact.


Mary Stebbins Taitt
for Ann Ciaranello
080405a

Star Crystal Thank You and Missing BB

Melting Star Crystal Thank You The Thank you from Aunty Ann to "the Kids and us" arrives in a large coffee can but is left unopened a while--when we open it, we discover that the thank yous are painted on disk shaped ice cubes a little smaller in diameter and thicker than a hockey puck. The paint is running but we can still read the thank you (in green) and maybe with pink flowers. They may have been edible. Only three are left unmelted and they are mostly melted, there were obviously more, the can was full of them). I feel guilty for not opening them sooner. But the part that thrills me the most is that as the ice cubes melted, they formed a gorgeous delicate star inside. This awakens me (internally, inside the dream, not lucidly, but excites and thrills me and fills me with wonder and joy. But then I want to photograph it, obstacles arise and I am unable to. This upsets me.

When I wake up, I wonder if I could paint it, and realize, 1)I don't have the skill, probably, and 2)photographs are a better way to record something really unusual, because (at least in the old days) they are less likely to be faked. A poem might work if one could earn the epiphany, but it's sort of a surprise, a gift. Although the dreamer may not have earned it (I may not have), the poet still must, at least in the preparation. They cannot be photographed but shine inside the heart.

---

At the party without BB I am at a party without BB who is busy somewhere else. I am feeling lonely and missing him badly. I miss his company, his companionship, his wit and his touch. The party is busy, lots of people and stuff going on. But I feel out of place without him. Then some guys start hitting on me. I am very sad and upset struggling with this, and I miss BB sexually and for his protectiveness, as well.

I spent the last two evenings away from Keith and felt it at the poetry reading and at the DIA, where he often (usually?) accompanies me.

---

I had a lot of dreams last night, but the rest seem to have slipped away and each of these two dreams have more parts.

False Accusations and the Dire Wolf

False Accusations and the Dire Wolf

I am at a  camp with many people around me engaged in some activity when "Yolanda,"  a very large black woman with wide waxy features, is sitting on the ground hollering that I hit her.  I am 20-25 feet away with another group of people engaged in some activity, but I go running over to Yolanda, whom people are helping up, and say, "I did not hit you, I was nowhere near you, I was way over there and I have witnesses."  She takes me by the hand and leads me to a window where trophies are displayed.  Among some that I have made is one that us clearly manufactured and she says, "You spelled the name wrong.  It is a black trophy that says "Micaelson's."  Clearly, it is not one of the ones I made and the name is spelled correctly in this instance (this Micaelson's has no "h").  I try to explain to Yolanda that it wasn't a trophy I made and that the name is actually spelled correctly.  I ask her for a hug, but she's not sure she wants to give me one.  (She's a friend of mine). 

While she is vacillating, I notice out of the corner of my eye some movement and turn to look and see an extremely large dark (black?) wolf charging down the road, moving like a freight train, powerful and threatening.  I step between Yolanda and the oncoming wolf, tackle the wolf as it arrives, throw it down, grab it by the jaw, put my knee on it's chest, and subdue it.  I am feeling very powerful.  I tell Yolanda that I am a Shaman and I can do this.  The Wolf is gnawing my fingers some and I have a moment of doubt where I become nearly lucid and am wondering if I can really do this and am I doing it right, but I succeed and the wolf shrinks from a HUGE wolf to a very small fox.  I point down the road past the building with the trophies and say, "Go," loudly, and in my firmest voice.  The little fox gets up and starts  slinking away with its tail between it's legs and I say, "Go," again.  It goes slowly a little farther and I have a sudden realization.  "It wants to be my spirit guide,"  I say to Yolanda, who still standing there watching.  "Okay, come on," I say and the little fox turns, gallops back and leaps onto my shoulders, curling around my neck (like a fur cape or like the daemons in the Phillip Pullman books (e.g.:  The Golden Compass, Amber Spyglass, etc). 

My two other Wolf spirit guides are jealous and one begins attacking the fox.  "No, play nice," I say, forcing the attacking wolf's head down repeatedly.  The other two seem to accept a suspicious truce with the newcomer.

---

When I wake up, my first thought is that if this new wolf-fox is a spirit guide, perhaps I should not have "vanquished" it and diminished it, for it would be more powerful if it were larger (perhaps).  I am not sure I did the right thing.  It seems as if needs to be in possession of its full spirit. 

It is not clear to me now who it was attacking.  I thought, in the dream, that it was attacking "us," Yolanda and me.  Not her, not me, but us.  I thought I was protecting her with my Shaman powers.  I was protecting her in spite of the fact that she had twice falsely accused me because she was my friend (and because she was a person.)

The wolf was also the third attack.

This reminds me of the whole thing with Rita where I feel as if I am being falsely accused and falsely demonized for something I did not do.

The three wolves also remind me of three children ("play nice"), though none of my other children are attacking Graham.  But if the two wolves are my brothers, the one attacking could be Rita standing in for Tom, rightly or wrongly. Dunno.

Perhaps the dream is telling me that when someone falsely accuses me, I should not attack with full artillery and diminish or vanquish the attacker, though in the dream I was being very reasonable in spite of Yolanda's unreasonableness and totally false accusations.  OR perhaps the dream is saying exactly the opposite, that I tend to hang back and try to smooth things over and I should show my inner strength and fortitude.  (Now I am thinking of a specific incident where I was falsely accused of turning a glass upside down on the counter and making a wet spot when I did not do that.  And several other incidents I won't revisit.  Things like that utterly INFURIATE ME!)  Because I appeared to have been attacked twice by Yolanda and once by the wolf and I handled the attacks differently.  With Yolanda, I was more than reasonable, but I vanquished the wolf.

There also remains the possibility that the wolf in this case was bad or evil.  But since I was a Shaman and since it wanted to be a spirit guide, I think not.  (But I am not sure.)  I still feel that if the Wolf/Fox is a spirit guide, it may need to be released to be as powerful as it needs to be.  (Maybe I need to be released to be as powerful as I need to be and at the same time, given my freedom to be powerful, rein myself in a little.)

---

Black Wolf/Red Fox, who are you?

I am Loqi, Lord Loqi, Wolf King of the Southern Red Tribes, and I am Little Loqi, Fox Master of Cunning and Trickery.  And I am Large Loqi, the Dire Wolf.  We are here to help fill your complement of power.  You have a high Northern (Arctic) Wolf, a mid northern Grey wolf, and me.  We are of one clan, yet my coming deepens your strength and power.  Embrace me.

Should I free you to be large again?

NO.  You needn't.  You have done what a Shaman must do, shown your power, but you have not vanquished me.  I am more powerful than you can know.  I am god.  I can be big in the blink of an eye.  I can be Maha Kali.  It is kind of you to be concerned, even if your concern is actually for yourself, but you needn't worry.  I am power, even as Little Loqi.  And I am with you.

Is this just wishful thinking of some kind?

Of course it is.  Yes--and no.  It is as you make it.  As you accept it.  As you honor it and make it yours.  We are yours.  You are ours.  We exist on the imaginal plane, you know that, but it doesn't make us less real or less powerful, remember that in the face of doubt.

What about Yolanda?

Speak to Yolanda.

---

Yolanda, who are you?

I am your self doubts and your obstacles.  But you know the saying, "make your stumbling blocks into stepping stones."  I can be your ally too.

Really?  I can use all the help I can get, how can you help me?

Notice how I look like wax?  I am a candle-torch to light the way.  I can show you how to overcome your self doubts and use your stumbling blocks as stepping stones.

Really, how?

Just ask--the LISTEN!  Call me, say YO, Yolanda?  And I will come.

YO-Yolanda, what about the false accusation thing?  Why am I being falsely accused and what should I do about it and how can I reweave the fabric of the family?

Tough questions.  Very tough.  Not all the accusations are false.

HUH?

Well, you do favor your own children.  "Even the tax collectors love their children."

Well, yeah, I'm human.  Like everyone else.  Often all too human.

Remember that.  So are your accusers.

But how can I fix things?  I want to fix things!

Keep your nose clean.  Be unceasingly honorable.

What does that mean?  What can I DO?  And how can I do it, being as imperfect as I am and being sick and tired and not sleeping well.

Call on Loqi and your other spirit guides, call on me, call on Jesus and Buddha, do you best.  Use you power, but use it wisely.

These are all nice things to say but not very specific.  Kind of wise generalizations.  Can you tell me something specific?

Seek balance.  Keep on keeping on.

More pap, generalizations.  Nice but is it helpful?  WAHN!  I need HELP!

---

I did not hit Yolanda, but I did hit the wolf--two approaches to attack.  One to verbal attack and one to physical attack.  To verbal attack, I tried a verbal response--to physical attack, a physical response.  Neither result was exactly what I wanted--with Yolanda, I wanted to restore peace.  The wolf was more successful, I guess--first I wanted to protect Yolanda and myself from attack, then to vanquish it, then to accept it, and I succeeded at each of these, but the final result was uncertain.

Yolanda doesn't want to give me a hug after explain how it is she who is wrong and not me--even though I am right and she is wrong and I just want to be friends.  I never want to hug anyone who tells me (how) I am wrong, either.

In this dream, I am right in both cases with Yolanda and I am powerful with the wolf, but being right and being powerful does not necessarily get me the results I want or need--that is, doesn't give me the best outcome.  I have a flaw in a sense.  I am so attached to being right (when I believe I truly am) that I will give up being happy for being right, which is not necessarily the best choice.

---

Could this really happen--this dream as dreamed?  Perhaps, but it is very unlikely.  Both Yolanda and the Wolf were very large.  It is more likely to be symbolic.

The dream still feels very powerful.

And it still feels somewhat unresolved.

Slogan(s):  Things are not always what they seem.  The right solution for the right problem, the right answer to the right question.  Use power with discretion.  Find balance.  Turn stumbling bocks into stepping stones.

Question:  What does the Wolf-Shaman portion of the dream have to do with the false accusation part of the dream, other than the fact that they are both attacks of sorts.  How does the one shed light on the other?  I can't exactly attack the false accuser, tackle them, hold them by the jaw and subdue them!!!

What would Jesus do?  Well, Jesus overturned the tables of the money-changers!  But how does one know where to use power and where to use diplomacy?  I am not Jesus, not Buddha, not Maha Kali, not wise, and often stupid and foolish.

If my subconscious mind knows any answers to this dilemma, it, in the form of Yolanda and Loqi, is not spitting out any real substantive (specific) answers.  I guess I need to dream on it/cogitate about it/journey about it some more.

Maybe the huge black wolf is symbolic of the giant rift forming in the family over the problems related to Mom's will etc.

My two spirit guide wolves who show up at the end, where were they when the dire wolf was attacking?  I guess I had to prove my power unaided?

Title:  False Accusations and the Dire Wolf

---

Once again, I have two parts which, when I think about a poem to honor the dream, don't necessarily seem to go together. I'm not sure what Yolanda and Loqi have to do with each  other, other than the link of attack.

Perhaps the poem can be written in a "sonnet" form with two stanzas that seem unrelated but somehow shed light on each (just as the structure of the dream.)

---

False Accusations and the Dire Wolf

Yolanda unexpectedly tumbles.  Her skirts fly.  She lands akimbo
on the ground, disarrayed.  Hollers "she hit me;" points at me. 
Shakes her finger.  I'm yards away.  And innocent. 
Indignant at the false accusation, I dash over to defend
myself as bystanders help her up.  She leads me to a window display
of trophies, pointing to one that says "Micaelson's."  "You spelled it wrong,"
she says, her voice rising with anger.  "I didn't make that one," I explain.
I point to the trophies I made, hand-carved from wood, unvarnished.
The one she's pointing at is black, fancy, plastic and metal, manufactured. 
"And anyway, Camp Micaelson's has no "h" even if I had
made it."  I ask her to hug me, to heal this rift between us. 
She wavers, withholding.

Down the road toward us, a wolf charges, huge, black, bent on attack.
Without hesitation, I step between the wolf and Yolanda.  As it springs,
I tackle it, knocking it down, grabbing it by the jaw, putting a knee
on its chest.  It gnaws my hand; we struggle.  Breathlessly, I tell Yolanda
I am a Shaman and can subdue the wolf, but I am not so sure.  The wolf
fights with power and strength.  I wonder if I am I courageous
and tenacious or simply puny.  I feel puny, but battle on and on
until the wolf shrinks to a small fox.  "Go," I say pointing down the road. 
It slinks away, tail between it's legs, then pauses, looking back.

"It wants to be my spirit guide," I tell Yolanda, "Come on," I call.
The small fox runs back.  My other two wolves attack it.  "Down," I say,
"play nice." The fox leaps to my shoulders, curls like a shawl
around my shoulders.  Wolves on either side, fox on my shoulder,
I smile at Yolanda and say nothing more.


Mary Stebbins Taitt
080321-1416-1c

---

Now that I have written this as a poem, it seems like simple wishful thinking, that I could be powerful and make things right.  Have powerful allies.

But, that's OK, I guess. 

I still wish things would work themselves out the way I think the should be--the family in unity and close, but, I guess I don't necessarily get my wish. 

Yolanda makes a couple of really weird, off the wall, totally inappropriate accusations, which, is what I feel the Rita is doing to me.  I'm sure she feels differently, or she wouldn't do it.  But I don't understand where she's coming from or if she in fact is truly behaving honorably.

Question:  what is my part in this?  If I can't change them, can I change ME?  Perhaps, perhaps not.  How MIGHT I change me to make things better?  And would it be an APPROPRIATE, honorable, honest change?

The Dire WOLF is me when I feel that I've been falsely accused, LOL!  (OK, not really funny.)   I tend to have two modes, either attack back or placate.  Is there a good middle ground?  One that shows power, courage and honor?  WHAT IS IT?

---

It occurs to me, after printing and rereading what I wrote above, that the trophies might also have some meaning.  Trophies are wins.  Victories.  Victories could be good or bad.  Trophy has a pejorative meaning when referring to people who kill and collect animal heads or women who collect rich men or men who collect pretty women.  But a well-earned trophy can be a good thing.

Am I trying to win the wrong kind of trophy somehow?  (Perhaps by being right instead of good?)  [Subconsciously if not consciously?]

I guess it depends on how you define "winning."  In my mind, a real win would be for the family to be close again.  My fear is that will never happen now.  The real trophy would be a happy loving family.  If the dream is even about the rift--I am acting as if it is because it feels that way.

There is also the issue of Micaelson.  I Google it and it's a real name.  There is an Ingrid Micaelson who is a singer, And a whole slew of others.  Dunno if there's a camp Micaelson.  Didn't check that.  I do.  There are none listed.  Interestingly, however, there is a Camp Michaelson:  "Jordan had a great time at "camp michaelson" - and she is ready to enroll in another session."  SO maybe someone DID spell it wrong (?)--why was I so sure Micaelson was correct in this case?  [I surely was sure!]  But I didn't make that trophy anyway.  Or maybe my dream camp isn't lsited in google yet, LOL!

Maybe I do to the Wolf in the dream what some part of me wants to do to Yolanda.  But I feel that we are friends and I want that friendship to survive, rekindle.  Maybe the dream is a simple expression of the ambivalence that accompanies all relationships and their struggles and issues.

In the dream, Yolanda was a friend and coworker, but I don't work at a camp and have no friends or coworkers who look or act like Yolanda in the dream.  The closest person to how she looks is a poet named Evie, but Yolanda really didn't look like Evie, she was bigger, had a flatter face (as if perhaps she was half Asian?) and was waxy looking.

The Obstacle Course to doing my pract...

The Obstacle Course to doing my practicing

We drive and drive down many roads, trying to get to E's school.  Finally, we arrive, after being lost for a long time.  E shows and guides me about.  She takes me to a room where there is a piano so I can do my practicing, but the route through the buildings is a series of obstacle courses.  We have to walk through classrooms of busy kids (running around with lively activities) and climb over and under desks and tables that have been pushed into the pathway and get tripped up by rolling balls.  It's one thing after another.  When we finally get to the practice room where there is a piano I can use, a rehearsal  is going on in the room.  I want to do my practicing anyway, but E steers me back out of the room and down the hall again.  She is not going to allow me to possibly disrupt the rehearsal.  On the way back down the hall, a woman and a small boy stand in the room with the balls where other kids are playing and having fun.  They want to play and are very sad because they are not allowed to (the boy is too young).  (He feels as I feel--sad not to be allowed to play [in my case, the piano]!!!)  I have a recital this evening (or sometime soon, and need to work through some knotty phrases.  How will I accomplish this if I cannot practice!  I feel tense.

---

This dream is interesting to me, because I do not play the piano.  I have often wished I did, wanted to.  But I don't.

Either I still want to, or I am worried about Graham's practicing or I am worried about my own "practicing" of some other skill and feeling thwarted in that (or all of the above.)

Could this happen as dreamed?  It could, but seems very unlikely.  It was quite realistic.  But I think it is more likely to represent my concerns over my painting or poetry practice, my longing to be able to make music, my concerns over Graham's practicing.

"I am sad not to be allowed to play the piano."  Who disallows me?  I do.  I don't want to start learning ANOTHER new skill when I am already feeling overwhelmed by everything I am wanting to do and accomplish (my novels, my poetry manuscripts, photography, art, illustration, children's picture books, cleaning the house, sorting stuff, etc etc.  Would I have time to practice?  Would I make a fool of myself?  Be bad at it?  Progress unbearably slowly?  Would it interfere with my writing?

What obstacles prevent me from:

1. practicing?
2. playing music?
3. playing and having fun?
4. excelling at my endeavors
   

In most cases, the obstacles are self-generated, though there are also external obstacles--my health, limits to the amount of available time and energy, other commitments.

It is interesting that in this dream, my child plays the roll of guide and "parent."  [This is sort of scary and reminds me of the issue of aging and having to be a mother of sorts to my mother before she died.]  Not sure how to include that in the poem below, though.  It's an extra layer of complication, which seems to require its own separate exploration.  OR DOES IT RELATE to the problem at hand somehow?  Is E or a "parental figure/guide" or child somehow preventing me from practicing, playing, making music, accomplishing my goals?  Or is it E's goals I am worried about?  WOW!  Very complex.  Or is E a teacher here?  My child and my guide/teacher?  Confusing.  Or is she representing the inner parental self?  Or--all of the above?

---

The Obstacle Course

I clamber over a desk shoved into the hallway,
crawl under another piled too high with books
and equipment to climb over, a over third
and under a fourth.  My daughter steers me. 
We trip on rolling balls, dodge running children. 
Down one hall and another, though endless
buildings we walk and walk and walk.  The school
is huge, the practice room and piano at the far end
of campus.  I am eager to work through knotty phrases
and tight places for my recital tonight.  But when we finally
find the practice room, a rehearsal is going on.  I want
to practice, to run my fingers over the keys, to pound
and linger, to pump the pedals, but I cannot. 
I clutch my hands together, moaning in frustration
as my daughter pushes me away.  Back
in the room with the balls, a small boy
stands watching, weeping because he cannot play.


Mary Stebbins Taitt
080318-1058-1

Potatoes and onions

Potatoes and onions

We are in a large grocery warehouse area taking pictures of potatoes and onions when we are given a big paper sack and asked to transfer some of the onions into the sack.  We begin doing that.  At the bottom, we discover some that are growing in a slimy mess.  (AS usual, there wa smuch more to the dream, but this is all I can clearly remember.)

We are painting stained glass windows.  (I want to make glass prints.  Try it).